Speak for yourself.
Let’s be honest: It just feels better to tell your partner that they’re selfish and “everyone else thinks so too.” The problem is that second part is only going to decrease the chances of a productive conversation. Conversely, i-statements — “When you leave your dish in the sink, I feel angry” — will at least increase the chance of a positive response. It requires more vulnerability to be certain, and it may feel funny at first speaking like some kind of therapy robot, but in general when our partner sees that we’re working at being more thoughtful in our communication, they’ll follow suit.
Keep it local.
In the same way that it can be tempting to invoke the opinions of others in calling out a bothersome behavior, it’s common to want to call out its pervasiveness. You’re always making us late to dinner. I feel frustrated when you’re not downstairs at the time we agreed upon.
Avoid labeling.
I must admit I’ve had to tip my cap to some of the psychologically-inspired language I’ve seen our culture produce in recent years, the apex coming when I heard someone referred to as an “emotional terrorist.” But, again, the idea is we’re seeking harmony, not war, with our partner, right? For this reason, I implore my clients to avoid making themselves God of the situation with proclamations calling out what they deem to be “rude” or “disrespectful” behavior. You’ll probably have better luck more precisely describing what irks you, like them raising their voice.
Elegance begets elegance.
If there is a common theme to the 3 tips above, it’s that there’s a cyclical nature to all of this. I think we’ve all been in a place in life where our best friend/partner/sibling/work-bestie/dog? came and apologized to us and we… were just so relieved because we wanted to be back in harmony with that person but couldn’t quite bring ourselves to be the first to extend the olive branch. Of course, all of this takes time and practice. Do not despair. If you know that — at every opportunity in a given day — you kept your communications with your partner clean, then that was a good day for you, even if your partner did not respond in kind. And of course, if you’re in couples therapy, you get to tell on them that week!