Annoyingly Effective Therapeutic Techniques

By Theodore Seeds, LMFT

And how does that make you feel?

Some therapists might shudder at hearing this question, such a hackneyed representation of what we do, it’s practically pulled from a Saturday Night Live sketch. Indeed, SNL did take aim at another cringingly ‘therapy-y’ technique when Stuart Smalley recited affirmations into the mirror.  In terms of psychology tropes, millennials might more readily recall Ari Gold making a mockery of i-statements in couples therapy.  But there’s something all three of these oft-parodied therapy techniques have in common: they’re actually effective.

First, let’s take that ageless therapy-room standard:  “How does that make you feel?”  This question might well be heard within the context of Emotionally Focused Therapy. EFT (often used with couples) is less concerned with the content of a dispute than it is the emotions involved. Each half of the relational dyad is asked to doggedly hone in on and seek to understand the felt experience of their partner in a given moment. EFT has shown a remarkable 70% recovery rate among distressed couples compared to the 35% sported by alternative interventions (Johnson, 2004). 

Then there’s the ever-earnest Stuart Smalley and his affirmations.  While even mental health professionals like myself can appreciate the humor of the sketch, affirmations (statements read about oneself, typically into the mirror on a daily basis) enjoy real-life empirical support in combatting depression (Peden, Rayens, Hall & Beebe, 2010).  Key here, however, is that the statements fall at least in the realm of believability for the person speaking them.  In fact, a 2009 study found that affirmations that ring egregiously false with the individual can be counterproductive (Wood & Lee, 2009).  One I like to suggest to clients is “I like myself unconditionally and enjoy being the unique person that I am.”  Again, absent are lofty adjectives that would make it difficult for (a depressed) patient to “buy” yet it gives them something to grow into.

Finally, we arrive at i-statements.  Think of when your mom sat you and your brother down when you were young to resolve a dispute and made you each speak purely to the emotions you were feeling, while refraining from labeling each other’s behavior.  “Ryan, when your football hit my art project, I felt angry.”  It turns out your mom was more psychologically savvy than you gave her credit for; these types of structured communications have been shown to be highly effective in conflict resolution (Cheung & Kwok, 2003).

So there you have it, there’s a reason mental health professionals continue to employ these tried and true therapeutic techniques even in the face of robust (and yes, often hilarious) parody.  They work.

The Parable of the Three Step Stools

By Theodore Seeds, LMFT

A few years ago, at a seminar on healthy relationships, the speaker produced a single bathroom stool from behind her lectern. She then had a volunteer husband and wife attempt to stand together on its surface that might have been slightly larger than a piece of paper. 

Predictably, the couple struggled to stay on the stool together. They had to ‘cheat’ by intermittently dropping one toe to the floor, temporarily balancing with a lone foot, and then lifting it up again, precariously sharing a space that would be cozy even for one adult.

How does that feel? the Presenter prodded, without a whiff of empathy for her laboring subjects.

Do you have room to grow?

Room to grow?! I can barely breathe! the wife responded.

You could hear the audience wising to the metaphor. The Presenter then produced two more stools from behind the lectern and placed them on the floor behind the first, creating a triangle. Now she instructed the husband and wife to each stand briefly on their own stools before extending one foot forward and creating a shared space on the third, original, stool.

Cue audible lightbulb moments from the crowd.

Years later, in my graduate program at USC I would come to know this concept as Yours, Mine, & Ours. Dr. Mary Andres, who has worked extensively with couples over the years, stresses the importance that each half of a relational dyad have their own distinct interests, hobbies, friendships, buckets that sustain them before coming together and sharing a space with a partner. This, she drives home, makes for a far stronger relationship and, frequently, a more passionate one. As Esther Perel says, fire needs air.

A Nudge Toward Emotional Honesty

By Theodore Seeds, LMFT

In the central plaza of a small town in Colorado sits the sculpture pictured right. You might say that before I knew I’d be a therapist, I knew I wanted a rendering of this amusing yet instructive scene between man and beast in my waiting room.  What better primer, I thought, to induce emotional honesty in the client than to have him – if absent-mindedly, with his day’s troubles still flooding his thoughts – gaze upon its miniature.  Somehow the moral of the bear and the boy would seep into his subconscious and set the stage for a productive session.

What is that moral?  It is quite obvious that the bear seems upset with the Arapaho boy opposing him. But why?  A close look at the photo will reveal that Big Bear has an arrow protruding from his backside, misfired – we presume – by Little Foot, who now begs his forgiveness.  Frequently, I’ll hear in the room with clients “I know I shouldn’t feel...” sad, angry, jealous, you name it.  There seems to be an impulse to distinguish some feelings as legitimate and others, not. 

Let me scream it from the mountaintops with the same gusto that it appears Big Bear would like to growl in this moment:  There’s no such thing as “legitimate and illegitimate” feelings!    Your feelings – however irrational you think they are – have the same legitimacy as Big Bear after he’s been picked off from 100 yards while simply trying to enjoy some berries. It’s what we do with these feelings that defines us. And actually, the sooner we can learn to identify and acknowledge these emotions within ourselves, the sooner we can begin to function more elegantly within our world.